Complicated Relationships with Women

So, I got to thinking too much today about my complicated relationships with women. I started crying, cathartically, and told my husband stories about my upbringing in detail. My mother is OCD, but there’s nothing wrong with her. Just ask her. Once again this is not blame or indictment, just my truth. My sister is my mother’s daughter. I am my father’s. My sister and mother kind of organized the lives of everyone in the household. They are pushy, but I have some understanding of why they feel they have to be.
When I was sixteen, I was a junior in high school. My brother had just started getting serious with a new girlfriend, now his wife. My sister had just graduated college and got a teaching job in my school. Both siblings are eight years older than me, both very high functioning socially, so I never quite measured up.
I had a huge crush on a teacher. On graduation day, I was playing “Pomp and Circumstance” in the band. My sister was sitting in the bleachers flirting with my crush. I asked my friends if they noticed. They said,”there’s nothing going on, you’re crazy.” After the ceremony, I cornered my crush and stated that I was feeling very insecure because of his attitudes toward women. “Wonderwall” was playing in the background. I’m not stupid. I understood that it was not possible for me to have a relationship with the man at that time. I didn’t expect to have a relationship with him. I just wanted people to respect my feelings. Being the crazy stalker I was, I drove by his house one night, and my sisters car was there…all night. Because I speak my heart, I let my dissatisfaction be known. My mother and the teacher condescended to me saying, “you can’t really have a relationship.” I knew that. That wasn’t the point. The point was that my family was hurting me, and seemed to disregard my feelings.
I felt that I was building a good relationship with my future sister-in-law, and poured my heart out to her, leaving out the detail that the man in question was my teacher. A lie of omission which I regret. Shortly thereafter, my brother’s girlfriend became distant from me in favor of my cousin (whom I also have a complicated relationship with, but that’s a whole ‘nother story).
Things deteriorated from there, mostly because of the string of abusive relationships I got myself into. A few years later, one such abusive boyfriend convinced me to miss my sister’s wedding because she would not pay me the respect of asking me to be a bridesmaid (she wanted me to read a poem instead).
I can’t really talk to them about it. But today I let go. I hereby forgive the women in my life and myself for lying and manipulating.


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