Day 5

My thinking was still fuzzy, and my memories of MICU only come to me in pieces. I remember hospital staff sticking papers in my face, saying I needed to sign myself into the psych facility, or they would just put a hold on me. Because I was on suicide watch, I always had a sitter. One sitter took all kinds of attitude with me and said, “you did this to yourself”. Duh! I told her to get the fuck out, and that while what she said was factually correct, it was not what I needed to hear. They got me a different sitter. Mother told me to be nice. I said I’m always nice until someone gives me a reason not to be. Mother asked if that was a threat (toward the sitter). I don’t understand why she would think that. I was merely stating a fact. See, people always assume the worst of me, especially my family. Sure I have an attitude problem. That tends to be the case when a small child is ostracized for thinking differently and having anxiety attacks. I don’t think it makes me a bad person, does it? Anyway, I signed the fucking papers. Then we waited for a room to become available, but not for long. So I was transported to the Good Shepherd. I was given all the paperwork, introduced to my roommate, and given time to read everything. I got there around supper time, so they brought me food in my room. Ugh. How does one make corn taste bad? I figured I must have been tricked into going to fat camp. I didn’t eat until mother came to visit and harassed me about it until I ate. I pretty much just ate fruit and salads. Didn’t even lose any weight, either. Basically, I was responsible for making a plan for when I went home, which they referred to as my “ticket out”. Naturally I finished it right away. Still stayed for three days. There was a tweaker in the day room who was kind of wound up and hyper. The guy actually referred to himself as “Tweak”. I didn’t sleep at all that night. Around midnight, there was a commotion outside my door. I just stayed in bed. My roommate, who was also a nurse, cracked the door to look, turned around and said, “Tweak’s getting tased!”

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